Adult friendships have become a rare commodity in our fast-paced, productivity-obsessed culture. In a recent episode of The Counselor's Chair podcast, host Josh Zello sat down with Gabe Whitmer to unpack this phenomenon. Whitmer, who manages one of the top 20 performing mortgage lending teams in the nation, shared profound insights into how genuine connections have shaped both his personal life and professional success.
What struck me most about this conversation was Whitmer's fundamental approach to relationships: "I automatically assume everyone's my friend." This refreshingly countercultural mindset flips the script on how most of us navigate social interactions. Rather than cautiously wondering if someone likes us or wants to connect, Whitmer begins from a baseline assumption of friendship. While this approach does make him vulnerable to occasional disappointment, it eliminates the mental torture of constantly questioning relationship status.
The discussion revealed how our society's obsession with productivity has transformed relationships into a luxury rather than a necessity. As Whitmer points out, people often respond to friendship invitations with "I'd love to, but I'm really busy" – highlighting how we've prioritized achievement over connection. This cultural value system reinforces isolation despite our inherent need for community. As Whitmer's wife wisely observed, "People are inherently lonely and they just need a friend."
Both men explored how adult friendships differ from childhood connections. They require intentionality, reciprocation, and acceptance that relationships naturally wax and wane through different life seasons. The "interpersonal piggy bank" concept emerged as particularly insightful – the idea that healthy relationships involve both deposits (acts of kindness, showing up, listening) and withdrawals (asking for help, having difficult conversations). What draws someone into your inner circle is often the natural reciprocity that develops without explicit negotiation.
Whitmer's experience building his mortgage team illuminates how business and friendship can successfully intertwine. By creating a culture where values align, where family obligations are respected, and where autonomy thrives alongside accountability, he's developed both a successful enterprise and deep relationships. His leadership philosophy – "I want to lead, not manage" – reflects his broader approach to human connection.
Perhaps most compelling was the discussion about how friendships shape identity. Through giving to others – whether children, friends, or clients – we discover aspects of ourselves previously unknown. As Zello noted, "One of the only ways you can know yourself is by giving yourself away." This reciprocal growth explains why diverse friendships across age groups and backgrounds provide such a valuable perspective.
For anyone struggling with loneliness or seeking to deepen their connections, this conversation offers a roadmap: assume friendship as the baseline, give time freely (within boundaries), communicate directly rather than talking about others, and recognize that relationship ebbs and flows don't define the friendship's value. True connection requires vulnerability, but as this thoughtful dialogue demonstrates, the rewards far outweigh the risks.